Sunday, 14 August 2011

There are always two sides to a story...

I’m still feeling too close to For Better or Worse. I know it needs more action and immediacy, but the straps prevent him from acting and the tube down his throat prevents him from talking. I’ve really got myself in a pickle this time...

I have some shorter sentences in mind. Mostly fragments. But the words are turning to mush before my eyes. So, I thought I’d post his wife’s side of the story. This is what I came up with:

Looking through the observation window, Jenny listened to the MRI machine drone on as it scanned her unconscious husband. Sobbing, she reflected on the car accident only hours earlier and how much she loved him despite their short marriage. He’d be a great father to the child in her belly, which kicked in agreement.
His limp body was only halfway into the machine when it stopped. Doctors and nurses cautiously filed through the room’s only door, all but ignoring her.
She stopped one. ‘What’s wrong?’
The man clutched his clipboard closer to his chest, looked at her blankly for a split second or two before saying, ‘He’s not human!’

Thoughts, feedback, insults: I’ll accept them all!


Grace Bridges said...

I like it! :) Good feel, and more spread out than the other - this isn't a solid block of text. Neither feels complete, though... what will happen next?

Emanuel Cachia said...

Thanks for the feedback, Grace.

I think you've hit the proverbial nail on the head: a little white space goes a long way!

For now I'm trying to keep this story short so it doesn't take too much time away from my longer works.

There is always later :)